Anxiety attacks are a motherfucker…
I felt so weak when my Anxiety attacks began bombarding me. I
was emotional, and had this feeling of being scared like I was gonna lose
someone close again.
The nausea, the falling feeling, all the insecurities that
haunt me, running thru my mind taunting me. When the Anxiety attacks occur..
depression sets in.. and that’s the evil about the whole thing.. all the
negativity that eats at your inner being.
It weakens me emotionally, mentally, and physically… and I hate it .. because, the thing that
scares me the most is that its gonna come back stronger, harder… and I feel
like I’m gonna lose myself in the midst of it all.
Its hard for me to actually TALK about it. I never really
talk about it with anyone except for my therapist that I might be seeing… but I
haven’t had a session now for almost… a year?
I was doing so well for awhile… I decided with my
therapist.. I didn’t need the meetings anymore… but I’m thinking maybe I should
do a visit at least maybe once a month or so…
I talked with Ikeski about it briefly… I wanted to open up
more… but yet its soo hard for me to speak sometimes..
I’m afraid.. of what him or others might think of me, all the emotional mental shit that I had to get over..
What started this Anxiety disorder anyways??
It was all the abuse that I took for almost over 18 years..
POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER… that was the term for my
type of Anxiety…. I’m still copping and learning that things are NOT what was
inbedded into my head to believe. That statement- No one will ever really understand
me.. until they’ve walked the same path in my shoes- IS TRUE..
I endured some mean evil dark things. Sometimes when I think
about it…
HE SHOULD’VE BEEN ARRESTED AND PUT IN PRISON.. FOR ALL
THE SHIT HE DID TO ME-
BUT -me being loyal, wanting my family to stay together, wanting
to have a so called Normal family life… never said anything ... until the end... I sacrificed myself, my own self
respect, my whole being… and let him strip me down to where I really believed I
was nothing but a tool –
UGGHHH.. I haven’t even deeply thought about that in awhile…
I’ve forgiven… but I cannot forget-
I spoke with one of my VERY GOOD DEAR FRIENDS last night.. She isn’t just a good friend, she is also my
mentor, and a sister to me- Her words,
her advice gave me such inner-peace inside. She has been there for me thru my
darkest hours. And as she reminded me… how I was there for hers-
We spoke, I cried, and I let it all out.. all my grief about
the recent deaths, all the stress that I was going thru.
The overwhelming feeling that was consuming me due to all
the stress.
I have a lot on my plate..
And I was adding more shit that I did NOT need, doing unnecessary things
that my shine did not need…. She reminded me of how I USED TO be, what my life
used to be like- and how far I’ve gotten. This minor bump should not stop me from excelling
into what my life should be. I have a
bigger picture to get to and this is just part of the treacherous mountain that
I’m climbing on... it s a steep part… I just need to learn how to stay steady and
strong.
After wards, she prayed for me, advised me, and told me that she
will be checking up on me to make sure I’m holding strong- It
felt good to be lifted in that way.. Because I needed it. I needed to be reminded there is a higher being that has all control..that loves me unconditionally, and has ALWAYS HELD me thru my most darkest hours..
Thank You God for blessing me with the family and REAL friends that you've blesseed me with..Bless them and keep them always... Thank you for holding me thru some of my toughest times... I know i am not a saint..I know I do some awful Un godly things.. Thank you .. I love you.. with all my heart... thank you for all the blessings that you've given and continue to give me, for holding me up and protecting my children at all times... Thank You God i feel is not enough.... sometimes.. I feel like I don't deserve any of this.. Yet you never fail me... i love you
I know I’m rambling here, going in and out of subject yet it
all ties in together… but like what Chris said.. Writing is my outlet…, I can
flow, and be descriptive, I can open up a lot and help myself heal this way.. And in the past this is what helped me… as it
is now…
Ok I’ll write more later… I miss you, love you… MWAH-
