Feels like I've been in a Daze these past few days...
Friday after work I went to Dee's house... I missed her.. haven't seen her in awhile.. so while we're playing catch up with everything..talking, laughing.. then I get a text message from my older sister.... and its all BAD SAD news....
This time... Dinesha... My niece from Hawaii... her and Aunty Emma would routinely come down here for her special Dr. appointments... she's had 2 heart transplants while growing up... the 1st one didn't take, the 2nd one did... she had maintenance appointments at Stanford Medical Hospital in Palo Alto but I never knew the severity or what she was going thru.. from alot of our stance points we all thought she was doing fine...and her comming down was just something routine... until now...
M texts me that Dinesha is having heart failure... and her body is rejecting the heart she has now..
but now it is very serious.. because... Stanford cannot give her another heart because her other major organs are failing..
This was and is soo hard to absorb, to understand... Baby girl is sucha a strong, smart, YOUNG beautiful lady... Her life is only just begining at 18 years old... I felt or sometimes still feel like I'm in a whirl wind... everything.. just spinning in me... I thought about all the deaths that we've had this year... and after each time we buried a family member and each time thinking... this was the hardest...
This happens... She gave up inside too... shes in too much pain and said she doesn't wanna fight anymore.. she even told aunty Emma that she wanted to just be cremated... :(....
for her to even have to go thru all this bodily pain.. and on top of that.. she is thinking about how we should lay her body to rest??? M told me today.. that she has less than a week..
my heart, my head, my entire being aches inside... I can't explain how this all just hurts ... soooo much... so heart wrenching.. soo sad...
yes .. we all understand ~ at least she won't be suffering anymore after this.. BUT STILL!!!
she's sooo young... she just graduated Highschool... Why NOW? Why her?? why all of this??? I just wanna yell out NOOOOOOOO STOPPP ALLL OF IT NOW!!! PLEASE!!!!
when M told me that she said that she doesn't want to fight anymore... that she was tired inside...
those words sounded WAY tooo familiar... and it made me ache even more...
it made me think of Eli... what he had said at the end... what we all went thru.. we he was dying... how all of us died a little when he was gone...
There are reasons for everything I understand this... I, i just wish I could do something.. I just wish all of this could stop...
I keep thinking about Aunty Emma, Vickie, Tati... and then little Shadia.. Dinesha's little sister...
the bond, the love, they all hold close together...
All I wanna do is hold my kids tighter... have them stay smaller longer.... protect them from anything that would harm them...
I have to stop.. I wanted to write this all out.. but right now.. its just making me hurt more inside...
God please, just ease her pain... keep the family strong Especially Aunty Emma...
