SOMETHING mean... something Tuff

I've been going thru something mean and tuff... and I'm just trying to contain myself keep myself above water....My Grandma is literally on her final breaths and this has been thee most tuffest, grueling, emotion that I'm going thru... everyday.. seeing her.. lay there... last week she asked for me.. held my hand told me to drink tea- This week... the Hospice caregiver told my family- she will pass anyday now.. Me and M took off work Monday and went straight to Antioch in the morning to go be with Untie Tessie.. I pray for my aunt everyday.. she's the one taking care of Grandma the most...shes the one who gives her the morphine.. sees her breaths become deeper... slower.... Bless her God, Bless my whole family.. we are about to lose one of our head leaders... the lady that helped me become the woman I am today.. the lady that helped raise me when my parents had to work.. my Grandma.. my dear sweet beautiful Grandma. This hurts my heart sooo much- seeing everything go down like this.. but in a slow heartbreaking motion.. seeing my Dad staying strong.. but when he sees his mom laying there.. I feel him.. I see his pain.. we know its her time.. we know its time for her to be with God to be with my Grandpa... it just hurts to lose her here... God please take any pain she might still be feeling .. give her rest.. give her peace. Last night Jrod came up to me.. I've been holding it in sooo bad from my kids... I see how they cry when they see her I see their hurt to and I just wanna cover them and not let them feel this pain... he asked if I was ok... I was buzzing off of 2 shots of tequilla and I finally let go... I told him.. No son.. I'm not ok... my heart hurts.. cuz i'm about to lose my grandma... he grabbed me, held me... and I cried.. in my sons arms... like a baby.. I love my kids.. i love them so much.. My anxiety attacks are back.. I haven't had an attack in awhile.. I felt it comming on... my palms sweating.. I start breathing fast.. cold sweat starts dripping from my forehead.. and then that feeling of dropping or falling consumes me takes over and I have to close my eyes tight and I feel like I need to hold on to something.. Yes I am going thru some MEAN TUFF... STUFF.. AND I JUST WANNA SAY THIS... I PRAY TO GOD... THAT NO ONE- CROSSES MY LINE AT THIS POINT.. I'M JUST PUTTING A FORE WARNING OUT THERE ...THE NATURE OF THE BEAST IN ME CAN BE DEVASTATING.. MY WORDS, MY FISTS, MY WHOLE BEING- SO I AM KEEPING MY COOL, MY INTEGRITY, AND OVERALL ME BEING A WOMAN AS A MOTHER- I WILL HOLD IT DOWN- JUST LIKE MY GRANDMA JOSIE DID-