what La Chica Wants..

I haven't wrote in a while.. been just living- Been kicking it with mostly "I" lately on the weekends.. but i'm thinking.. maybe I need to stop. I'm not liking how I feel inside.. I mean.. I do like how I feel inside when I think of him.. and when we kick it.. when we talk or text... but...I don't know how to explain it.. and I don't know how to control it, and I don't wanna hurt or get hurt by him.. because I think He's SOOO FUCKING COOL. and this SUCKS for me AND i WILL ADMIT IT..but yea.. i'm too insecure. I don't wanna want anyone soo much like how I'm wanting him.. and I'm trying to figure out a way how to just turn off.. I could seriously get lost in my thoughts about this man just thinking about him, his life, what he's goes thru.. and I don't wanna care, I don't want my heart to melt, I don't wanna be nice, I don't wanna give in.. but I'm NOT A COLD HEARTED BITCH- so what the fuck is my MALFUNCTION??! why does HE BOTHER ME SOO MUCH inside like this? I ache sometimes when I think of everything.. i'm all busted up TUFF inside.. a fucking hopeless case. I hate this picture of what has been painted.. of my past, of what I've gone thur, What i've done. I know.. if someone LOVES ME ENOUGH.. none of that shit matters.. and I know with "I" it doesn't- I'm not trying to fall in love with anyone.. and I KNOW he isn't falling in love with me.. I jus wish I could explain this shit.. because there will be these little moments when I'm deep into something.. could be my work, laundry, driving..what ever the fuck.. and then the thought of him comes over me.. and fuck.. that's it.. I get all RILED up.. I wanna see him, I wanna hear him.. I wanna do more than all that to him.. and I just hurt. Because, I've been hurt soo many times. I know he hasn't hurt me.. I guess.. I just.. don't wanna give him that time or chance to huh? how fucked up is that?! Everyone tells me- just have fun, fuck around, mengle, enjoy.. ya ya ya ya blah blah blah blah blah... I want more than that.. I've ALREADY DONE MY FUCKING AROUND, I'VE ALREADY HAD MY SHARE OF EXPERIENCES WITH 3 SUMS, fucking off, getting some, using people for sex.. AND WHAT NOT.. and.. I'm TIRED OF IT.. I can get meaningless sex by just fucking myself and probably better than what i've had in the past.. sad.. but true.. harsh but true.. fuck.. what the fuck is going on with me?? Uggh..