Changes, being Blunt, and Harsh and not so True-

Real shit we never really look at it that way.. but CHANGE occurs.. or Changes- occur when we become tired of the environment, or situation we might be in. I'm always trying to change.. mostly for the better.. and i'm not talking about Physical appearance, although.. I do try to keep up and maintain.. but i'm talking about the type and quality of person I am. I am not in a race with ANYONE- I am not trying to be BETTER than anyone else.. I am trying to be.. Analynn and the Best that I can be.. even though.. I feel shitty inside alot, i KEEP my head up.. because.. I AM EXTREMLY BLESSED.. and I've came into an understanding that being BLESSED in the ways that I am.. I would like to utilize to the most fullest potential.. Does that make sense? If i'm given something wonderful.. I wanna use it to the best way possilbe... that's what i'm trying to say.. Anyways.. Some things came to light this weekend.. On Thursday morning I felt my leg hurting but I tried to ignore it.. HOPING it wasn't gonna start up again.. but it did.. i took my emergency medicine that I keep here at my desk at work.. sent an email to the big boss and let her know I was leaving.. I didn't GIVE A FUCK what Horse lady thought.. I wasn't feeling it.. and by the time I got on to BART.. My fever was in full effect.. When I got into Vallejo I went straight to Kaiser, was put on the Antibiotics and gave me a fever reducer... By Friday Morning my leg was still aching.. but I was much better but decided.. FUCK IT.. I AM NOT GOING INTO WORK. I took the day off and just relaxed.. watched TV and layed on my couch.. One thing I noticed.. I HATE YOUNG LOVE- ok, i take that back.. I don't hate young love.. but I am bitter towards it.. not bitter, but in admiration.. to where I hate it..I need to clarify that- haha I don't hate love- but I just get so over jelous when I see young couples soo in love.. and nothing matters.. Growing and building together.. how everything seems soo sweet. None of that exsist in my world.. everything is warped, and twisted..and it makes my heart... cold.. and bitter. One of my cousins who is YOUNGER than me.. her boyfriend took her to union square in SF after Christmas to go Ice skating or shop around.. she had no Idea that he had gotten all of her best friends and his friends and they set it up to where she was admiring the Huge Christmas tree and all of a sudden a huge sign falls and it says RHEA- I LOVE YOU!!! WILL YOU MARRY ME?!! I am extremely happy for Rhea.. because she deserves it.. but inside.. man, it hurt me soo bad... made me realize.. how lonely I am.. and How used and abused my heart is.. to where.. I have no love like that... and yea... Well on Sunday the 49ers won and now they're going to the Superbowl!! I was soo Happy they did it :) Anyways.. in the midst of everyone being excited and jumping around and yada yada.. I sent a text to someone.. and the response back wasn't what I thought it would be.. the response I got back made me think about alot of things.. and mostly.. made me feel like I was super pathetic. I was soo JUICED about the niners winning.. and then that.. literally made me feel stupid, I lost my high.. and just went straight home.. feeling like an idiot. And I Know I should but in one way.. I shouldn't because that's how I was feeling at that moment and I was being real.. maybe I was being too BLUNT.. SO WHAT.. i don't care anymore... I just feel stupid about the whole situation. BUT-... I NEEDED IT.. SERIOUSLY I needed that.. because reality sank in and made me realize.. I am here.. all by myself.