Hawaii- and eXhale-

When I get there.. I plan on driving up to North shore to Waimea... 2 things I wanna do there... 1. I wanna Jump off the big Rock right into the ocean!! YEEE AND 2. Find a secluded spot think about EVERYTHING IN my life so far... EXHALE all the negative and INHALE the positive. Literally..not just smoking weed but I'm talking about my life .. all the shit ... alll the SHIT i've gone thru- and not to focus on the negative or heartaches and bullshit that I've gone thru.. but evaluate it all and appreciate what I've become from making it thru- what I've learned, and how much stronger I am now... more than ever :) I am soo much a diffrent person than I was 5 years ago... So Thank you GOD.. THANK You for ALWAYS hearing my prayers, for always keeping me and my kids safe, and for just holding me thru the most tuffest, and saddest times in my life. I am feeling soo emotional this morning.. Last night me and the kids got home late and had a late dinner.. I knew I shouldn't have eaten that late.. I've noticed when I eat like a meal after 8 pm... and then I fall asleep within an hour after sleeping.. I ALWAYS have nightmares.. why is that??? anyways.. I had a nightmare last night/ or early this morning... I was in the Bolton house... and crying in the closet... terrified- I heard him screaming in the bedroom crazy.. what he was going to do to me... what I desereved.... it was like I had went back 10 years ago... but in my dream it was me now.. it was weird.. I could see and feel the old me crying.... and I kept on telling myself in the dream get up!! get up!! I could see how scared I was.. and I was getting angry with myself because I wanted me to get up and run- run far away from that MOTHER FUCKER!!! I could hear him comming closer I was soo scared- Then my phone went off and woke me up - whew...but that dream or flash back.. fucked my emotion up this morning. I just needed to vent or write about it.. My therapist said before.. whatever it takes to get it out of me... I miss having a garage or a room so I can go off on my punching bag... that REALLY helped me thru alot of tough times... anyways.. i'm rambling again.. I'm gonna miss Isaac... whatever this is between me and him, friends, whatever.. He gets my mojo going.. and I mean this in a overall way.. he always somehow.. makes me smile, I love his humor his jokes, his face, his smile, his voice..man i can go on and on.. ALOHA!!