I need to stay focused on what’s IMPORTANT to me. I could feel myself drifting inside and it scares me…
Everyone has some type of “Demon” or “beast” in them.. So YES.. I understand where they’re coming from…and I have to say…when the BEAST comes out of me… it is NOT GOOD… because I tear up everything in my path… without any consideration on how I might affect others that are innocent. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about killing anyone or anything like that… But on an emotional level… hurting feelings, not caring of what others think or how they might be affected.. I become ugly inside and out, spewing the most deceitful things, doing the most outrageous actions…..
And it DOESN’T PHAZE ME. When it SHOULD. I am DEFINITELY ON ONE.. its bad enough I’m WISHING inside some dumb mother fucker would just talk shit to.. say something.. ANYTHING.. to give me a reason to just fuck the shit out of someone.. pounding kicking letting all my frustrations out… but.. I gotta keep calm and remind myself that’s what my punching bag is for…
I’m praying hard to GOD to help me deal with everything that’s going on in my life my family’s life….
My 18 yr daughter who just graduated highschool with VERY good grades… has just told me she’s pregnant.. and her and her boyfriend has decided to “keep” the baby.
I’m happy for her, and I’m also very sad… Because I wanted her to be more older and more MATURE for when she has a child.. not now… not when its JUST the Beginning for her..
Then Nat.. My cuzzo.. who commited suicide.. my ENTIRE family is devastated.. and because his mom works at a Catholic Church and a majority of my family is Catholic.. some of them believe because he commited suicide, he won’t make it to heaven… My thoughts are… NO ONE only GOD knows what Nat went thru- and at that very moment before he took his last breath.. so NO ONE KNOWS what was going thru his heart, his head.. I think, we should just celebrate the life he had with us here.. and peacefully wish him REST on his journey.
The riots and the land fighting that’s going on with our family on the Islands… this is also soo sad.. brothers and sisters fighting over banana plantations, my grandmothers house.. My moms brother, uncle Vic left in a rush to the P.I. and first thing when he gets there… he calls us and tells us that he already pulled out the shot gun and busted windows down where my grandmother’s home use to be… apparently intruders have been invading acting like they own our land and now there’s a big RIOT, struggle going on… and my Parents are leaving soon to the PI to check things out…. UGGH…..
And Ry and Tina.. I am trippin hard… it read in the VTH that Tina was arrested and linked for murder… I AM TRIPPIN BIG TIME HARD… fucking A!!! Ry is not accepting any calls… and I’m just lost and I feel sick inside because I feel like,….something terrible has seriously happened…
Ok yes these are some troubled times.. but, its all a learning experience and I have to stay on the positive of things… because if I don’t hold up I feel like everyones gonna fall.
I’ve been having a lot of mini Anxiety attacks lately also.. of course its all due to stress and I know this… so Like I was taught.. I just have to try and breath calmly.. close my eyes and try to relax my body as MUCH AS POSSIBLE.. Ganji also helps A LOT TOO.. Because of my past.. and what I endured.. yes, most definitely I had some ISSUES that were hard for me to cope with.. I was DEPRESSED big time..
I remember one time when I came into a point in my life where I just wanted to end it all…. I took a bottle of vicodin, downed it with some voldka, then I laid down and put plastic bag around my head so I would suffocate in my “sleep stage” from OD-ing off the Vicodin… It didn’t happen obviously.. PEOPLE WERE SERIOUSLY PRAYING FOR ME.. because my mom found me…
Anyways… My doctor prescribed me to be on some heavy ANTI-Deppresant pills and I just… I just wasn’t jiggy with it.. I hate PILL POPPING I don’t wanna be on some pills unless its Vitamins.. other than that.. NOPE…
So, I choose the alternative… Medicinal Marijuana and I love it… anyways.. why am I heading this route? I don’t know maybe cuz I jus medicated…haha..
OMG I’m going thru soo much I kinda feel all busted up tuff inside… I know I’ll get thru this.. I’ve gone thru worse… BUT it doesn’t mean I’m willing to take more…
Anyways.. I’m trying to stay positive.. but that feeling of numbness comes over me.. and I don’t like it… because.. I know if I don’t hold strong… its jus gonna be all bad from here…
DEFINITELY tonight… I’m dropping some B’s on my bag.. I need to seriously let out some STEAM…
