Last night when we were talking I told Mike I'm going back to Hula tomorrow.. He Smiled.. and said, I'm really happy for you. At first (due to my past) I thought he was being sarcastic.. so I asked him.. and he gave me a crazy look, as to why would I think he was being sarcastic... lol.. ahhh the things that I DON'T have to deal with anymore.:) I told him sorry, I was just kinda lost for a moment.
He told me he is super proud and happy for me. I've came a LONG WAY...and as usual, at least for the most part.. he's right!
This morning for my facebook status I wrote: Got my Swag on!! Shining Baby!! Always!
Rue wrote back on my wall and said I deserve to "always have my swag on! and Continue to DO MY THANG cuz he's not hating!"
that made me smile... When I think about how I was just a couple years back, and the things I went thru..
Yes I've come a LONG way...
During the time I was married, obviously I was going thru some Deep shit. I remember having GLASSES of voldka while I cooked dinner.. And just to remove any other rough edges, I'd pop a vicodin.. They told me Vicodin was good for pain.. little did they know I was taking it for the emotional pain too... The drinking got heavier, along with the pill popping... at first I started on 1 vicodin a night... then I started going off taking 5 pills a pop. I became Literally NUMB.. with everything.
The only things I cared about were my kids. I didn't care about myself or anything else..
Then one day I looked in the mirror.. and I was disgusted with myself, with the lies that I lived with..
The talk Dee and Em had with me.. The statement that Tony said.... everything turned into a whirl wind..
Al once described me perfectly... he said he felt bad for me.. and he sees me as this caged in raged Lion just waiting for the cage to open.. so I can run free~ ... Yes... he was right.
I made some MAJOR changes, and no they didn't all happen over night.. maybe the most important one did.. like leaving my children's father..
But everything else.. how I stand now, How I live now... I built on my own... :) and it feels SOOOO FUCKING GOOD!!
I used to write in my diary about the beatings, the make-ups we'd have.. my weight issue..
I used to be a BIG FUCKING HIDEOUS COW. A pill popping semi alcoholic disgusting fat cow...
my highest weight was 242 lbs!! I remember crying when I stepped on the scale.. I felt like such a failure, a loser, a fat ass...
But as i've stated many times before... GOD IS GOOD.. AND HE HAS A PLAN FOR ALL OF US :)
When I left Roland I had dropped my weight down to 210 which was pretty good at that time.. I lost 32 pounds... I didn't realize I was even trying.. but I think due to the depression..and everything... literally I Lost weight in 2 ways by leaving roland.. lol.
Then when I finally got back on my own 2 feet.. I started working out... Hula, Tae-bo, Kick-boxing, Muy Thai,.. I became addicted to working out..Seriously addicted.. I bought my first punching bag just so after the gym I could go home and do a couple of rounds without limits.. It gives me a rush like no other..BETTER THAN DRUGS, BETTER THAN ALCOHOL.. This helped me Drop even more.. and it was fun and easy to do.
I became more involved with the community, and did a couple of marathons.. I never thought I could do that! We did the Aids walk in Oakland, Breast cancer cure walk, Diabetes cure, and the most funnest... was GAY PRIDE!
BofA asked if I could just be one of the parade walkers for the float.. like stand on the side and get people pumped up.. instead right before we start marching off.. one of the BofA guys grab me and tell me no Honey.. YOUR IN THE FRONT.. OF THE FLOAT!..
Me, Sandy, Matt, Jessie.. we were all on TV dancing on the BofA float riding down Mission Street in SF.. ONE OF THE best moments I've had... it was soo fun.. so many naked crazy people!! ... ahh good times.. lol.. ok i went off subject here.. but ahh who cares.. its my blog :)
Mike said he saw all my old pictures, and he knows... how I used to be. And that's why he's so proud of me now.. cuz that was me then... this is me now :)
Soo.... since then.. I've lost 100lbs, I used to wear a size 24 only shopping at the fat ladies store..couldn't never wear anything cute.. was soo self concious of myself.. Now... I got my SWAG on!!
I feel stronger than EVER- tO THE POINT.. IF my childrens father EVER tried to do anything stupid.. I COULD HANDLE HIM MYSELF, bare hands.. no joke :)
Lamont says my life is like that movie JLo is in.. "Enough"
I laugh at the thought..but its funny I saw that movie on HBO the other day.. and yes... It is like my life :)
Currently I'm wearing a size 10 in jeans but I'm needing a belt! And I'm gonna continue to lose more till I feel like I'm done..
Everyone keeps on asking me what my goal weight is.. My dr. says I should weigh for my height and frame size I should actually be 115 to 120 lbs.. Well as of today.. I'm glad to say... i'm only 20lbs from that GOAL!!!
Lou lou asked me... so now what am i suppose to call you? I can't call you Juicy mama anymore! So now my new nick name is Slim, Hollywood, or Sexy mama.. lol.. i love it!
Mike has been on me on my work out and what I eat.. and I'm glad he does that.. I NEED that in my life.. I never had someone support me so much in what I do. I love him truly for that .
20lbs... is nothing... I'm gonna be READY FOR SUMMER TIME FO SHO!! Cuz yes I GOT MY SWAG ON!! AND I'M SHINNING!!! ALWAYS!! yEEEEEEEE (~.~)
Thank you God. For Everything~ Much Much love :)
YES MY LIFE IS DEFINATELY GOOD NOW! You wonder why I'm smiling all the time?? Because.. I found my diamond in the rough and I'm SHINNING!
Like the other night when me and Mike went to Walgreens, I've been a customer since lord knows when and I always talk to the ladies there.. well one in paticular saw me.. and her jaw dropped..
She said she couldn't believe it! She told me that I look like I lost half of myself... haha.. yes I did.. the BIG BAD FAT HALF... lol..